Pelakor, Asosiasi Emosional dan Narasi Yang Salah.

Hiya, abandoned blog. I'm back.

I'm back sooner than I thought, people (source : here)

Kali ini saya akan mencoba menulis postingan dalam Bahasa Indonesia dengan beberapa alasan. Pertama karena memang sepertinya sudah lama saya tidak menulis apa pun dalam bahasa Indonesia dan yang kedua, well, sepertinya untuk topik yang kali ini jauh lebih menarik untuk dituliskan dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Kalau ada satu kata yang belakangan ini sering digunakan oleh banyak orang di Indonesia, khususnya perempuan, kata tersebut barangkali adalah Pelakor (kalau tidak salah sih singkatan dari Perebut Laki Orang. Am I right?). Dari kepanjangannya sudah cukup jelas bahwa istilah ini digunakan untuk menggambarkan sosok perempuan yang menjadi orang ketiga dalam hubungan atau rumah tangga orang lain. Tentu saja, istilah pelakor mengandung konotasi negatif sebagai perusak rumah tangga dan by association, pelakor banyak dihujat, dihindari bahkan diwaspadai.

Tapi jujur, penggunaan istilah pelakor membuat saya terusik dan tidak nyaman. Bukan, bukan karena saya adalah salah satu pelakor yang harus dihujat dan diwaspadai (News flash : saya tidak punya hubungan romantis dengan siapa pun saat ini. So I'm not being defensive here), tapi lebih karena asosiasi emosional dan narasi yang muncul ketika istilah pelakor ini digunakan. Nah, asosiasi dan narasi inilah yang membuat saya merasa amat sangat tidak nyaman. 

Maksudnya bagaimana?

(source : here)

Jadi begini. Ada banyak sekali teori dalam dunia psikologi yang bisa digunakan untuk menjelaskan psycholinguistic dan word association atau asosiasi kata. Tapi untuk membuat hidup saya dan siapa pun yang membaca tulisan ini (which probably none) menjadi lebih mudah, mari menerima pemahaman yang sederhana bahwa kata apa pun yang digunakan di dunia ini memiliki asosiasi tertentu dalam pikiran seseorang yang memahami kata tersebut. Contoh ketika seseorang menyebutkan kata Rinso, maka asosiasi pertama yang umumnya akan muncul dalam pikiran kita adalah deterjen. Atau ketika seseorang menyebutkan kata Honda, maka asosiasi pertama yang muncul dalam pikiran kita adalah sepeda motor. Dan begitu seterusnya.

Sama halnya dengan Istilah pelakor yang kini ramai digunakan. Ketika kita menyebutkan kata ini, asosiasi pertama yang barangkali muncul di kepala adalah perempuan, diikuti barangkali dengan kata jahat atau tidak bisa diampuni - asosiasi yang barangkali memang benar adanya. Tapi justru inilah yang membuat saya tidak nyaman. Kenapa? Karena, kalau mau jujur, kejahatan yang dilakukan oleh seorang "pelakor" bukanlah kesalahan yang hanya jatuh di pundak si pelaku perempuan. Kesalahan yang sama juga jatuh di pundak pelaku laki-laki. 

Tapi kenapa, KENAPA ASOSIASI NEGATIF YANG SAMA TIDAK DITEMPELKAN PADA LAKI-LAKI? Penggunaan istilah pelakor seolah-olah menempatkan sebagian besar kesalahan di pundak pelaku perempuan dan mengecilkan kontribusi pelaku laki-laki dalam kejahatan yang sama. 

Which, for me, is WEIRD AS FUCK. 

What the fuck is this sorcery? (source : here)

Salah seorang teman saya kemudian berkata: "Menurut gue sih Dith, kenapa perempuan banyak menyalahkan perempuan lain dalam hal ini adalah karena sebagai perempuan, mereka seharusnya lebih memiliki empati terhadap sesama perempuan. Sama kayak kenapa PNS lebih banyak disalahkan kalau nilep uang atau kenapa kalau aparat berantem sama orang sipil, pasti aparat yang lebih banyak dihujat"

Hm. Masuk akal.

But, here's what I think : Ketika PNS atau aparat melakukan kesalahan dan menerima hujatan atau serangan dari masyarakat umum, hal tersebut sebagian besar terjadi karena pegawai atau aparat negara memiliki kewajiban secara LEGAL (dan tersumpah di hadapan Tuhan) untuk menunaikan tanggung jawab tertentu yang LEBIH dari masyarakat sipil, termasuk di antaranya menjaga ketertiban umum dan menjaga integrasi institusi, bangsa dan negara (I know this for sure because I'm a civil servant and they made me swear for it). Tapi apakah logika yang sama bisa diterapkan dalam kasus perselingkuhan? 

Apakah perempuan memiliki kewajiban untuk menjaga perasaan perempuan orang lain? Bisa jadi. Tapi pertanyaan saya berikutnya adalah : apakah laki-laki tidak memiliki kewajiban yang sama untuk menjaga diri sebagai bagian dari komitmen hubungan yang dijalani bersama pacar atau istri? Apakah kewajiban dan tanggung jawab laki-laki tersebut sebagai pasangan LEBIH KECIL dari kewajiban perempuan untuk menjaga perasaan perempuan lain, sehingga wajar kalau perempuan lebih disalahkan ketimbang laki-laki? Can somebody answer this for me?  

Seriously, though. Can somebody really, really answer this for me?

 

What is going on here really? (source : here)

Asosiasi yang berat sebelah inilah yang membuat saya merasa tidak nyaman mendengar ramainya penggunaan istilah pelakor. Kenapa? Karena semakin sering istilah ini digunakan, semakin kuat asosiasi bahwa kesalahan perselingkuhan sepenuhnya melekat pada diri perempuan dan buat saya pribadi, ini tidak adil. Sama tidak adilnya ketika ada orang yang berkata bahwa perselingkuhan terjadi karena istri tidak bisa melayani suami di rumah. Sama tidak adilnya ketika ada orang yang berkata bahwa perselingkuhan terjadi karena istri tidak bisa memberikan apa yang dibutuhkan suami. Sama tidak adilnya ketika ada orang yang berkata bahwa perselingkuhan terjadi karena laki-laki tidak bisa menahan godaan atau kenyamanan yang diberikan perempuan lain di luar rumah. Sama tidak adilnya ketika ada orang yang berkata bahwa laki-laki hanya laki-laki biasa - tidak bisa mengatur urusan yang terjadi di bawah perut.

Do you see the point I'm trying to make here?

Intinya, semua salah perempuan. Baik istri maupun pelakor. Why blame men when you can blame women?

And I hate this kind of narratives, logic, association or whatever.

I hate this (source : here)

     

Make no mistake though : saya tidak membela pelakor karena what these women do are ABSOLUTELY WRONG. Tapi penggunaan istilah pelakor dan asosiasi emosional yang muncul dari istilah tersebut memunculkan sebuah narasi yang, buat saya, salah besar. Sebuah narasi yang menggambarkan pelakor sebagai nenek sihir bertanduk yang menggunakan seluruh pesona kecantikannya untuk menggoda laki-laki yang tidak berdaya. Sebuah narasi yang memindahkan kesalahan perselingkuhan dari sang bawang putih yang tidak bisa apa-apa di rumah, ke tangan sang bawang merah yang penuh tipu daya. Sebuah narasi yang menggambarkan laki-laki sebagai makhluk yang tidak bersalah dalam skenario perselingkuhan karena bawang putih tidak memuaskan, sementara bawang merah terlalu menggoda. Sebuah narasi dimana, apa pun alasannya, pihak yang bersalah tetap perempuan baik itu istri maupun pelakor - sementara laki-laki bisa melenggang kakung dengan leluasa tanpa beban. It's the worst narratives ever. 

Fuck that narratives.

Fuck that and all the unfairness in the world (source : here)

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED WITH ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH UNDER-AGES. 

((THAT WOULD BE ANOTHER ANGRY BLOG POST)) 

Si Mbak

(who, in the future, refuses to use the word pelakor. Ever)

(because really, I hate bad narratives)

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32 Going On 23 : So Many Questions To Answer

Hello abandoned blogs! 

(source : here)

One quick story first. So after abandoning this blog for almost one freakin year, this blog finally retaliated on me just now and decided to give me a little scare earlier by not giving me any access to it since I am now using a new device (my old laptop, that I usually used to access my blog, has stopped working couple of months ago and since then, I have never used this new laptop to access my blog. Thanks to that, Google stubbornly refused to give me access to the blog since it did not recognize this device and I could not access the email address I used to sign up for this blog). I swear, I almost cried 😭 I mean, I know this is not some kind of major blog that is actually useful for me in anyway (you know, other than this being one of my media to self deprecatingly whine about my life) and I write very rarely here (I believe I only write here one time this year), but this is like the only blog that I actually use and come back from time to time since 2010 and the thought of letting this one go after all those years and all those thoughts and all those writings to make another blog and start writing again kinda freaked me out. It's kinda similar to waking up with an amnesia and having to start building your forgotten identity from the scratch again (maybe. I don't know. I have never had amnesia in my life before)

But I finally found a way to access this blog again and here I am! 

Phew. 

Okay, let's get back what I want to write.

I don't actually have any important things to write as nothing important is going on in my life (as per usual) but I figured that I have to somehow kick start my brain into working after being in a snooze mode for so long. There are a couple of things that I need to do in my near future and I kinda need my brain to work properly and in order to make that happen, I need to warm up my brain and force myself to focus and concentrate and do something with my laptop other than watching too many videos or reading too many drama recaps. Hence, this blog post. 

But then, what to write? Again, I have nothing important to write because I literally have nothing going on in my life that could be super important. I'm not even in one of those somber mood I usually have to whine about my life and do nothing about it. So after spending a couple days wondering what I could write (and don't get me wrong. Spending a couple days wondering what to write does not mean that I am being totally serious about writing. It just means the thought about writing only comes intermittently between watching videos, reading drama recaps and working), I decided to write a little something out of respect to my birthday that took place almost a month ago. I am now officially 32 years old.

Writing my own age kinda gives me the chill. I am old 😝

How it feels to be old (source : here)

But here's the thing, being old does not mean I have it all together. On the contrary, my life has never possessed so many existential questions that keep haunting me every single days like now, waiting in the back of my mind for them be solved or answered in some ways.  I usually ignore all these questions altogether (a decision which would backfire on me from time to time as it usually keeps me awake at night), but I figured I should just try to formulate some kind of responses towards those questions for once and write it into a blog post - a birthday reflective journal, if you'd like. 

Without further due, here are some of those questions: 

1. How does it feel to be 32?

You know, it actually feels weird.

For real (source : here)

Truth to be told, I have never imagined myself being 32 before. When I was way, way younger (like, still going to high school younger), the oldest I have ever imagined myself being was 27 years old. And like any other high-schoolers, I imagined myself to have a bright blinding future by the age of 27 with house, marriage and children to boot. Of course, I have none of that at the moment 😛 I have never once imagined myself being 32 years old as a government employee with small salary still living in a rented room in Jakarta with no career, marriage or dating prospect in the horizon. And this is where it gets weird because, well, I'm okay. I feel okay. Being 32 is okay.

Hello there, young little shits (source : here)

Of course, I have concerns (many of them) and there are things I need to start thinking about seriously because time waits for no one and I have to keep my life priorities straight. Of course, all of these adult stuffs sometimes keep me awake at night and refuse to let me sleep peacefully. Of course, sometimes I feel insecure about myself and life in general and compare myself with many of my friends that seem to have their life figured out. Of course, there are some life decisions that I regret and make me wish that I took science class more seriously so I could have built a time machine to fix all my past mistakes. Of course, my current self is still not the best I wanted to be and there are things I wish to change but despite all of that, I still feel okay.

(or at least that's what I've been telling myself to get me sleep at night 😂)

My reality (source: here)

I guess, as many things in life, being older has both its downside and upside. You can just google all the downsides (slowing metabolism, fear to get out of comfort zone and adult acnes are REAL!), so I'm just going to talk about the upsides. For me personally, the biggest advantages of being older is probably the fact that it kinda calms me down, emotion-wise. Growing up, I have been struggling a lot with social anxiety/social fear (am still not completely sure how to name this thing I always have as I have never once been to a psychologist) and there were times where things got so much harder. But I guess, time really does help and with each of life experiences I gained along the journey, I think I am getting better and better at handling social situation or interaction which used to give me a hard time before. I'm not saying it's totally disappeared as it's going to be a part of who I am (even now) but being older kinda helps me to put a lot of things in perspective and helps me moving forward one step at a time so much better. So cheers to being older.

Shake it like you're old (source : here)

2. Do you want to get married? Why are you not married?

The ONE question everyone and their parents wants to know 😜 You know, I used to answer 'sure' every-time someone asked me this question. My parents want me to get married, almost all of my friends and everyone else in this world are married so marriage sounds like a surefire thing to do in the future. But here's the thing - I did think about this question seriously one night and my mind got really murky because I could not completely and sincerely say for sure that I want to get married. I mean, yes I do want to get married sometimes but the reasons behind this wish are mostly practical in nature. In my mind, marriage has a lot of things to do with property ownership - I need to be married because I desperately need someone to share mortgage with or own property together because it's dangerous for a woman like me to be living alone. Plus I need someone to fix the lamp, bathroom and the kitchen because my mind cannot be bothered to worry about plumbings and all that jazz. And it would be so much better if my spouse can drive.

But that's not what marriages supposed to be, right? I mean, marriages are supposed to be about love and affection and commitment. Otherwise, all those roles I just mentioned can just be filled by someone who gives bigger salary, security officers and drivers respectively.   

This is where it gets really confusing for me because truth to be told, romantic feelings are something that I'm not entirely sure about. The best way I could explain this is by saying that marriage is like any organization or company in the world - you need to have certain characteristics to fit in into the culture or the concept of marriages. Thus, there are some people who are compatible to the idea of marriages and some people who are not (yet?) compatible. And one of the most prominent characteristics probably the ability to initiate romantic feeling which personally, still a completely uncharted territory for me so I do have this niggling suspicion that I belong in the latter category.

Romantic feelings? Gross (source : here)

Furthermore, I also believe, at the very least, marriage requires advanced communication and social skills which is still a work in progress for me. I mean, building a healthy and functional relationship requires me to be brave enough to put myself out there in the world and experience all different things that this beautiful world could offer but the prospect of talking to strangers have been and, still is, a struggle for me. There, I put it in writings for anyone to read - I am too awkward to build a healthy romantic relationship 😝 In addition to being socially awkward to a very painful degree, my insecurities and my tendency to overthink does not help my case either. To be completely honest, I have never been in any serious relationship for as long as I have lived. Sure, I did have dates (and even a couple of dangerous dates that could get me in serious trouble. As serious as being disowned by my own family) but none of those dates meant or sparked something for me. For now, there are always walls between me and any prospect of romantic relationships because I cannot, for the love of God, completely trust any human beings in this world.

Note that I write human beings because this is an important point that I am going to be talking next. Me not being married has nothing to do with my sexuality. There, I said it.

Strangely enough, I have received many questions/accusations of some sort about my sexuality (most of the times, people suspected me of being gay), which has always been both amusing and perplexing at the same time since, well, how does being not married have to do with sexuality? I mean, there are people with different sexual orientations in this whole wide world and those people have no problem building romantic relationships (yes, plural) and even get married! This is why every single time someone suspected my sexuality, I'd just looked at them and wonder - how does one get so stupid? Like, seriously. How is it possible for someone to be that stupid?

Dummies. Dummies everywhere (source: here)

So yeah. Being single has nothing to do with sexuality. I am just way too pathetic and have problem connecting romantically with anyone in this world.

Well, maybe not the flashing (source : here)

3. But seriously though. Do you want to get married? 

More than just wanting or having desires to be married, the concept of marriages kinda makes me curious because it would take a very special person to be able to encourage me to step out of my shell and convince me that I'm able to build a healthy, functional and romantic relationship with that particular person. I have never met anyone like that before so it kinda makes me curious in so many levels - what kind of person he would be? Would I be able to meet him in this lifetime? Or have I met him before and just passed him because of my shortcomings as a human being? Would I ever stopped being so insecure and anxious in life and be someone that are marriageable? Would marriage make my life better?

I really have a lot of curiosity in life and marriage certainly is an interesting mystery. 

I am so curious yeaaaahhhh (source: here)

4. How do you see yourself in the future? Say, five years into the future? 

Now this is an interesting question. And a terrifying one because really, I don't know. This is the kind of question I constantly ask myself and since the answers never present themselves immediately, this question becomes one of the biggest burden on my shoulder and keeps me awake at the night. In the last five years, I have been avoiding this question continuously by putting myself firmly in the middle of stupid comfort zone where it gets me literally nowhere. I know, more than anyone, that I have to stop running around in circles and do something about my life because time waits no one.

Time to change!! (source: here)

In regards to that, I do have several things I wish to do in the near future. 

First of all, work. I've been working as a government employee for the last 10 years *gasp* and my current workplace is certainly not going to be nominated as the best workplace ever in this lifetime. The atmosphere there is absolutely toxic and for me personally, the worst thing about working there is that there are so very little opportunities for self development or career advancement because if you have no one to back you up, you will always end up in the bottom of the food chain. So I definitely need to move away from there - either by moving back close to my parents, finding another opportunity to study abroad or finding another place to work outside the government. 

COMING SOON (source: here)

Secondly, study. I've always been a studious person in nature so I've been looking around for another opportunity to study (hopefully, abroad). I've had several next study options in mind - either business intelligence or further study in psychology to get my psychologist degree.  So yeah, definitely looking around for the next exciting opportunity to study.

Thirdly, writing. Just like everything in my life, I have been putting writing on hold for the last five years. I think the last time I've done serious writing was like, I don't know, four years ago? Other than being stuck in the comfort zone, I guess writing has become really complicated for me as there's this unspoken pressure that I give to myself to publish another books.  I'm scared that my next work is not going to be good enough and that there would be no publishers wanting to publish my works anymore. 

But five years is a very long time to stop myself from writing and I've been missing writing so much. Regardless of whether my next work is going to be published commercially or not, I really want to get back to writing and build so many fictional worlds. I'm going to start this soon. Very soon. 

What to write what to write (source: here)

That's about it! Phew. 

I finished one post!!! Celebrate!!!! (source: here)

Cheers,

Si Mbak. 

  

   

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A Quick Life Update : One Random and Honest Talk

(Source : here. I tried to link it to the original source as mentioned on my Google source but it won't let me open so I just give the source for the Google Image)

This is one post that I'm not sure I'd like to write because let's face it : 

What's there to update? I mean, my life has been really boring this past two years (going three). The only explanation I can offer is that this comfort zone that I am currently in this stage of my life has been so comfortable - too comfortable that I feel reluctant to even think about leaving the zone and start something else entirely. And then one day, you just suddenly realize that time has gone by so much that everything about and around you has suddenly gone different.

Not that I don't have chances to do so, mind you. For the last two years, you'll be amazed how many opportunities in life I consciously decided to just pass through for the sake of staying in the comfort zone, be it scholarship, job and writing opportunities.  But what scares me the most at the moment is that I have literally no regret over letting those chances away and actually enjoy over doing nothing for the past few years (enjoy is probably not the most appropriate expression to use here as it implies that there is a sense of satisfaction in doing whatever it is that I am doing. In reality, I don't necessarily feel satisfied about my state of being. I just do it because it's there to be done so for the lack of better words, I just use the word enjoy). I am not sure I can offer any explanation about this even if I want to - sure, I can always make up excuses, a very good one to convince you that there is a proper explanation behind me being lazy and totally not productive if necessary (something that has do with mental issue and whatnot) but there are times when I wonder whether those excuses are really justifiable in regards to whatever it is that I have going. From times to times, I do suspect that those excuses are probably just bullshits I made up to cover the internal shame and guilt I have for abandoning myself to this point of no return.

So in this age of sensory overload where everyone seems to have something interesting to do, people to meet and places to be judging for their social media updates, I'll just be honest and tell this to the world : that I don't have anything interesting to do or people to meet or places to be. My life literally consists of routines that I used to despise and avoid - surprisingly enough, those routines are now what keeps me going in life. Which, we all know, can be both a blessing and curse (I have a feeling that it's mostly curse).

So that's about it. My life update in the second month of 2017 (and how is it already the second month of the year? Time flies is really an understatement. More like flashes)

And if anyone asks, if I have a plan to do something about it, the only answer I can offer is I don't know. 

In the meantime, lemme just watch my dramas (source: here)

But there are several highlights things in my currently super boring life that I should talk about: 

1. My out of shape body. Since I have been neglecting life and being lazy in the past few years, my body unintentionally becomes the direct victim of my lazy lifestyle. Currently, my weight almost hits the same weight I had during college and that's the biggest I have ever been in life. It does not do good for my confidence but since this is not the first time I am being overweight, I am handling it pretty well. I've been having this dilemma more often though - should I get new clothes that fit me better or should I just get another gym membership and eat better? I'm pretty sure that the better answer is the latter but in the mean time, until I get the motivation to do so, I'll be on the hunt for bigger, looser outfits that will make me look good despite the weight.

Still need to catch up on the tattoos (source : Pinterest)

2. My skin went berserk. Last year, my skin was finally clearing up (well, as clear as it can get with this problematic and sensitive combination oily skin I have) and I can finally enjoy the feeling of having a face that I don't feel embarrassed about. This experience, unfortunately, does not last for a very long time since my curiosity got the better of me and long story short, I decided to sacrifice my clean skin to test out a couple of much-raved beauty products out there and lo and behold, it led to the ugliest adult breakout I ever had. I totally forgot that what works for most people probably won't work on me because every single part of my body has made a pact to go against my will. It's better now but I'm still dealing with the repercussion of my experiments. You name it, I bet I have it - bumps, pimples, whiteheads, blackheads, hyper pigmentation on both my cheeks (which is annoying to me because my right cheeks has always been relatively clear from acnes before. And now it's ruined! Ruined!), the largest pores on the nose that people can fall into and generally more sensitive skin which is evident from all the redness that can be seen every time I took off my makeups and wash my face (I'm planning to talk more about my skincare experiment on another blog post. Let's see about that later)

Happens to me every other day (source: Miss Malini)

And for all of you who will tell me to stay away from make-ups because it's not gonna help, here's a word of advice back at you: shut up. If you're not dealing with my type of skin and anxiety issue that I have, you won't know how important it is to actually put on makeups every single days. Also, I'm actually not an idiot since I do read and google stuff on a daily basis so my decision to put on makeups is a very conscious decision despite knowing very well that it is actually bad. In short, I know what I'm doing and unless I ask for your opinion, your opinion is most definitely unwanted. 

(Disclaimers : my next point is quite personal and admittedly, is still very difficult for me to write. But writing has always been cathartic and I wanted to write this so I just put the writings in a different font color to keep it hidden but revealed at the same time. If there's anyone who reaches this point of the post and still wishes to read it, just highlight the section and you'll see my next point)  

Read on your own risk - well, there nothing risky. It just shatters your perception of me, if you ever know me (source: here)

3.  This just happened like few hours ago but during my ride to the coffee shop where I write this post, I had another moment that I recognize as "pre-anxiety thoughts" aka those negative thoughts that will always go downhill and turn on my anxiety. I was considering to just return home immediately and cancel my plan today to write on the coffee shop since my gojek man called me "Ibu" and I had three new flaring pimples near my nose and my outfits made me look very fat and I think I wore a wrong shade of a very dark lipstick that called for unwanted attention from people around me. I don't want to face people so I planned to go home as soon as I arrived in my destination

And then another thought just popped right away. 

Why should I care about what other people thinks about me? Why do I keep wanting to impress people that I won't ever know in my entire life anyway? Why it matters for me to have a young and pretty image, while I am not really one anyway? Seriously, self. Why?

Strangely enough, this sudden thought (realization?) especially the question why it matters kinda put the kibosh on those negative thoughts and I went to my destination a bit more confidently than usual. I am probably mistaken but I'm pretty sure that I just did a bit of cognitive behavioral therapy on my own. Of course, my anxiety issue is not going to be gone just because of one time win but as someone who has been dealing with anxiety for 30 plus years, moment like this is  pretty satisfying. 

So that't is. A quick life update that is actually about nothing. Here's hoping that I will have more interesting thing to talk about in the future. 

Si Mbak.

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