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| (Source : here. I tried to link it to the original source as mentioned on my Google source but it won't let me open so I just give the source for the Google Image) |
This is one post that I'm not sure I'd like to write because let's face it :
What's there to update? I mean, my life has been really boring this past two years (going three). The only explanation I can offer is that this comfort zone that I am currently in this stage of my life has been so comfortable - too comfortable that I feel reluctant to even think about leaving the zone and start something else entirely. And then one day, you just suddenly realize that time has gone by so much that everything about and around you has suddenly gone different.
Not that I don't have chances to do so, mind you. For the last two years, you'll be amazed how many opportunities in life I consciously decided to just pass through for the sake of staying in the comfort zone, be it scholarship, job and writing opportunities. But what scares me the most at the moment is that I have literally no regret over letting those chances away and actually enjoy over doing nothing for the past few years (enjoy is probably not the most appropriate expression to use here as it implies that there is a sense of satisfaction in doing whatever it is that I am doing. In reality, I don't necessarily feel satisfied about my state of being. I just do it because it's there to be done so for the lack of better words, I just use the word enjoy). I am not sure I can offer any explanation about this even if I want to - sure, I can always make up excuses, a very good one to convince you that there is a proper explanation behind me being lazy and totally not productive if necessary (something that has do with mental issue and whatnot) but there are times when I wonder whether those excuses are really justifiable in regards to whatever it is that I have going. From times to times, I do suspect that those excuses are probably just bullshits I made up to cover the internal shame and guilt I have for abandoning myself to this point of no return.
So in this age of sensory overload where everyone seems to have something interesting to do, people to meet and places to be judging for their social media updates, I'll just be honest and tell this to the world : that I don't have anything interesting to do or people to meet or places to be. My life literally consists of routines that I used to despise and avoid - surprisingly enough, those routines are now what keeps me going in life. Which, we all know, can be both a blessing and curse (I have a feeling that it's mostly curse).
So that's about it. My life update in the second month of 2017 (and how is it already the second month of the year? Time flies is really an understatement. More like flashes)
And if anyone asks, if I have a plan to do something about it, the only answer I can offer is I don't know.
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| In the meantime, lemme just watch my dramas (source: here) |
But there are several highlights things in my currently super boring life that I should talk about:
1. My out of shape body. Since I have been neglecting life and being lazy in the past few years, my body unintentionally becomes the direct victim of my lazy lifestyle. Currently, my weight almost hits the same weight I had during college and that's the biggest I have ever been in life. It does not do good for my confidence but since this is not the first time I am being overweight, I am handling it pretty well. I've been having this dilemma more often though - should I get new clothes that fit me better or should I just get another gym membership and eat better? I'm pretty sure that the better answer is the latter but in the mean time, until I get the motivation to do so, I'll be on the hunt for bigger, looser outfits that will make me look good despite the weight.
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| Still need to catch up on the tattoos (source : Pinterest) |
2. My skin went berserk. Last year, my skin was finally clearing up (well, as clear as it can get with this problematic and sensitive combination oily skin I have) and I can finally enjoy the feeling of having a face that I don't feel embarrassed about. This experience, unfortunately, does not last for a very long time since my curiosity got the better of me and long story short, I decided to sacrifice my clean skin to test out a couple of much-raved beauty products out there and lo and behold, it led to the ugliest adult breakout I ever had. I totally forgot that what works for most people probably won't work on me because every single part of my body has made a pact to go against my will. It's better now but I'm still dealing with the repercussion of my experiments. You name it, I bet I have it - bumps, pimples, whiteheads, blackheads, hyper pigmentation on both my cheeks (which is annoying to me because my right cheeks has always been relatively clear from acnes before. And now it's ruined! Ruined!), the largest pores on the nose that people can fall into and generally more sensitive skin which is evident from all the redness that can be seen every time I took off my makeups and wash my face (I'm planning to talk more about my skincare experiment on another blog post. Let's see about that later)
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| Happens to me every other day (source: Miss Malini) |
And for all of you who will tell me to stay away from make-ups because it's not gonna help, here's a word of advice back at you: shut up. If you're not dealing with my type of skin and anxiety issue that I have, you won't know how important it is to actually put on makeups every single days. Also, I'm actually not an idiot since I do read and google stuff on a daily basis so my decision to put on makeups is a very conscious decision despite knowing very well that it is actually bad. In short, I know what I'm doing and unless I ask for your opinion, your opinion is most definitely unwanted.
(Disclaimers : my next point is quite personal and admittedly, is still very difficult for me to write. But writing has always been cathartic and I wanted to write this so I just put the writings in a different font color to keep it hidden but revealed at the same time. If there's anyone who reaches this point of the post and still wishes to read it, just highlight the section and you'll see my next point)
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| Read on your own risk - well, there nothing risky. It just shatters your perception of me, if you ever know me (source: here) |
3. This just happened like few hours ago but during my ride to the coffee shop where I write this post, I had another moment that I recognize as "pre-anxiety thoughts" aka those negative thoughts that will always go downhill and turn on my anxiety. I was considering to just return home immediately and cancel my plan today to write on the coffee shop since my gojek man called me "Ibu" and I had three new flaring pimples near my nose and my outfits made me look very fat and I think I wore a wrong shade of a very dark lipstick that called for unwanted attention from people around me. I don't want to face people so I planned to go home as soon as I arrived in my destination
And then another thought just popped right away.
Why should I care about what other people thinks about me? Why do I keep wanting to impress people that I won't ever know in my entire life anyway? Why it matters for me to have a young and pretty image, while I am not really one anyway? Seriously, self. Why?
Strangely enough, this sudden thought (realization?) especially the question why it matters kinda put the kibosh on those negative thoughts and I went to my destination a bit more confidently than usual. I am probably mistaken but I'm pretty sure that I just did a bit of cognitive behavioral therapy on my own. Of course, my anxiety issue is not going to be gone just because of one time win but as someone who has been dealing with anxiety for 30 plus years, moment like this is pretty satisfying.
So that't is. A quick life update that is actually about nothing. Here's hoping that I will have more interesting thing to talk about in the future.
Si Mbak.
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