Anyway, I think better while writing so I decided to write this.
I kinda hurt my head thinking about the next step I should take.
Option 1. Resign from my current job and embrace the new world called ‘private
institution’
It’s an option that I’ve been pondering about the most lately. I
thought about the risk, the so-called dire consequences that might result from
my decision to resign from being a civil servant. I even thought about
everything that I might get to do after not working at public institution
anymore. All the fun things! (Note that this is just an imagination. I always
have this off-the-wall wild and active imagination but experience shows that my
imagination might be just an imagination after all. So all that fun things?
Might not be happening. That fucking Murphy’s Law!”
But still the thought of leaving my current job is appealing to me at
so many level.
But then, there are still so many doubts lingering. And I don’t want
to play the blame game here, but people around me do not exactly help me
relieve my insecurity. They keep pushing other options into this small space I
call brain and expect me to come up with decisions that might not hurt my
future.
Since you know, by resigning now, I will risk my so-called lifetime
job for one year position (possibly. If I perform well and don’t fuck up like I
always do, this job might be permanent. The perk? This job sounds like fun. And
yes, that’s me assuming things like always. It might not be fun at all)
(SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?!!)
Option 2. Pursuing further education in the form of Master of Psychology
This option is actually something that I’ve been thinking about a lot
before. I haven’t got certification as a psychologist yet so pursuing education
is like another investment for me. The thing is: I need money to do it. Educational
cost at Jakarta is just mind-blowingly crazy and I feel like the right thing to do is
for me to go back to my dear old school at Yogyakarta and study there for at least two years. It's cheaper with the additional bonus in which I get to stay close with my parents. But then again, time is another risk I’m not sure I’m willing to take. 28 years old might not sound like the age to worry about time for most people, but from my perspective I really don’t have that much time. If I
take two years off again to be away from work and pursuing another study, I’ll
be 30 years (let’s be real now. The possibility I’m finishing up my study in
two years might not be realistic. The truth is I might be 31 by the time I finish
everything).
31 and broke. With no fucking financial security whatsoever and
struggling to start from the scratch.
This is so not easy, if I may add.
While all people is getting married and making babies right and left.
But the thing is, this investment might be just the thing I need.
Option 3. Still resigning and looking for the opportunity to somehow
pursue further education.
The middle ground.
This idea sounds cheery and optimistic compared to the previous two. It’s
ideal but if only everything goes well according to the plan. The thing is, I sent
an email asking about this to my current prospect employer like two days ago and
they haven’t answered (which is weird, because it usually only took like one
hour for them to reply my email) and it’s making me nervous. I have this
imagination that they read my email and scowled after understanding the
content. And they will just said: “Who is this weird person? You haven’t even
started to work and you’ve already asking a lot?! Are you kidding me?!” *and my
email goes right to the trash*
I don’t want to give wrong impression like a needy person before I even
start working there! (Too late?)
Or I could just stay where I work now and pursue the said education
next year.
The thing is this one last thing I just wrote is probably the easiest. It's familiar faces all around in the office, I know all the dance and the routine, it's less stressing to think about the future.
But every single
morning I get to my office, I feel like throwing up.
Agh. My head hurts.
I might suffer a freaking panic attack in the near future.
What to do?
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