(Prelude: Gawd. My brain is an
obvious mess. I can't think straight and currently I am forcing myself to write
again. I am forcing myself to concentrate and move my fingers and write
something. Anything)
So here I am.
You know, if someone decides to take a closer look at my life this past seven months (going eight, this month. Which reminds me that in the next 2 months, I will be officially 29 years old. Yikes), they might see absolutely nothing. This is the year of nothingness for me and I have accepted those fact with literally no hard feeling. However, the niggling feeling that I ought to do something -anything- about my so called life is still hanging above my head and I might have to do something about it sooner or later.
Maybe later (and I'm back to slapping myself again to commit to something. ANYFUCKINGTHING. Gosh)
Anyway, it's not like nothing is really happening in my life. A lot of things happened - most of all: Failures. Yes, for some reason, I have been dealing with a lot of failure this year. I've pondered a lot whether to talk about this matter or not because I hate it when people misunderstand my intention every single time I publish personal posts into my public blogs. Because the thing is, writing any personal posts does not mean I am whining or depressed or reaching out for help. It also does not mean I am looking for attention or trying to make myself look pathetic. Bottom line is, this is not for anyone but me. This post is written for my purpose only. It is the way I regulate myself, not unlike writing an entry into a private diary. The only difference here is that I don't really mind sharing the entry with the world or anybody who, unfortunately, finds themselves stumbling into this blog (which probably none. So I don't think I have anything to worry about. Any of my personal posts are still relatively private)
This is just me, writing about the reality that takes place on my life at the moment with a rather detached state of mind, like all of this is happening to someone else but me.
Weird.
Anyway, let's talk about my failures (Yes. Plural).
For starters, I have been failing to get any reply from almost every job applications I sent out this year. Granted, I haven't sent applications fervently and diligently like a couple of years ago (Other than being disturbingly lazy, the pool of job openings that suit me gets smaller every day. Thank you, rampant age-related discrimination in Indonesia's human resources practices) but usually, I would get, at least, half of the company reply to my submission. This year, not so much.
So here I am.
You know, if someone decides to take a closer look at my life this past seven months (going eight, this month. Which reminds me that in the next 2 months, I will be officially 29 years old. Yikes), they might see absolutely nothing. This is the year of nothingness for me and I have accepted those fact with literally no hard feeling. However, the niggling feeling that I ought to do something -anything- about my so called life is still hanging above my head and I might have to do something about it sooner or later.
Maybe later (and I'm back to slapping myself again to commit to something. ANYFUCKINGTHING. Gosh)
Anyway, it's not like nothing is really happening in my life. A lot of things happened - most of all: Failures. Yes, for some reason, I have been dealing with a lot of failure this year. I've pondered a lot whether to talk about this matter or not because I hate it when people misunderstand my intention every single time I publish personal posts into my public blogs. Because the thing is, writing any personal posts does not mean I am whining or depressed or reaching out for help. It also does not mean I am looking for attention or trying to make myself look pathetic. Bottom line is, this is not for anyone but me. This post is written for my purpose only. It is the way I regulate myself, not unlike writing an entry into a private diary. The only difference here is that I don't really mind sharing the entry with the world or anybody who, unfortunately, finds themselves stumbling into this blog (which probably none. So I don't think I have anything to worry about. Any of my personal posts are still relatively private)
This is just me, writing about the reality that takes place on my life at the moment with a rather detached state of mind, like all of this is happening to someone else but me.
Weird.
Anyway, let's talk about my failures (Yes. Plural).
For starters, I have been failing to get any reply from almost every job applications I sent out this year. Granted, I haven't sent applications fervently and diligently like a couple of years ago (Other than being disturbingly lazy, the pool of job openings that suit me gets smaller every day. Thank you, rampant age-related discrimination in Indonesia's human resources practices) but usually, I would get, at least, half of the company reply to my submission. This year, not so much.
Strangely enough, I haven't spent
much of my time moping about this fact. I try to comprehend this fact every time
my brain is willing to cooperate (which does not happen a lot this year. Not a
sarcasm, by the way. It's really unnerving the way my brain just stops working and refuses to cooperate these
days) but does not really come up with any satisfying answer, other than me being
lazy or not-courageous-enough-to-move-on-so-I-have-been-emitting-negative-vibe-to-the-entire-universe- which-in-turn-prefers-to-be-an-ass-and-turn-their-back-on-me. Makes sense
enough.
And then, there's my failure in the writing world. To put it into one simple sentence: I haven't written anything for this whole year, my second book is forgotten and collecting dust somewhere in the editor desk and none of those translation projects I tried to pursue, succeed. Sucks. But again, I'm surprised that I don't feel really upset about it. I just...
And then, there's my failure in the writing world. To put it into one simple sentence: I haven't written anything for this whole year, my second book is forgotten and collecting dust somewhere in the editor desk and none of those translation projects I tried to pursue, succeed. Sucks. But again, I'm surprised that I don't feel really upset about it. I just...
I don't know. I don't really have words for this.
Lastly, I failed getting another scholarship to pursue another Master at my old alma mater. This is one failure that does not surprise me though, because it happened once before and I kinda see why this could take place (the whole "you-don't-get-apply-for-master-scholarship-again-because-you-already-got-one-before-just-apply-for-doctoral program", to which I always replied: "Blergh. I don't like studying that much. Thank you, but no thank you")
So yeah. That's the update of my life.
I've been failing at every aspects of my life lately.
....
I guess, it happens?
(Sorry. My brain has just stopped working again. I'm losing my train of thought and basically, forgets what it is I wanted to write. Losing concentration is a recurrent thing lately and I have to force myself to write this last line. Apologies.)
Cheers.
See you with (hopefully) a cheerful life update later.
Si Mbak.
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