(Note: I'm not being depressed anything. Like many of my previous personal posts, mostly I'm just being contemplative and dark and quirky. In other words, I'm just being me. Most people won't understand but really. I'm just being me)
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| (Check out the funny card: here) |
No, I'm not married (yet).
But if marriage means being in a long term/lifetime committed relationship with something (not someone), I'm clearly married...
... with my stupid job - a permanent/lifetime job that is the dream job of most Indonesians that I know. What they don't know is how bad is this job for someone's mental health (well, someone like me. Because some people are doing just fine in my office) and how much I'd wished that I could turn back time to five years ago when I first got this job offer and said: "I ain't workin there! Nuh-uh. No way in hell." This job (marriage. I'm going to use this term from here on, just for fun. What? Calling myself married while being obviously single is definitely fun. Don't contradict me. This is my blog. And now I'm just rambling) is clearly THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I've ever made in my life and I still bear the ugly consequences (Until when, I don't know. Here's hoping not for much longer. I can't keep living and hating myself, can I?)
Anyway, I found this little article on Huffington Post about 10 signs of being in a bad marriage that should end in a divorce. So then I think: why not use the article to cross-check whether I should get a divorce or not (I should. But I'm still doing the cross-checking thing. Again, for fun!)
So the signs are:
1. Sex is consistently boring and mechanical --> God, no. I do not have sex with anyone in my office (Or anyone at all. Haha. It's kinda sad, actually). That's just gross. Shoot me in the head if I ever do that (On a second thought...
... no second thought. Shoot me)
But if you're talking about sex as a metaphorical way of getting any satisfaction out of the marriage, clearly the answer is yes. Everything is so boring and mechanical at the office that I get no satisfaction whatsoever. Here's a funny fact. Every time I step inside the office, I feel like my world is darkened (I'm not even kidding. It's like suddenly, somebody dims all the light in the universe) but then, by the time I step outside in the afternoon, everything starts to get clearer and I feel alive again. Is that a telling sign or what?
2. There are many problems and only a few solutions --> Yes. I've been dealing with so many problems but seemingly unable to find a satisfying solution. I can't just pinpoint one single problems that I have in the office but the hardest problem for me probably the fact that this job does not make me a better individual and help me reach any accomplishment. Instead, it makes me become someone that I hate SO MUCH and you know, loathing yourself is difficult. How do you solve that?
3. Character assassination happens in your marriage --> Oh, God. Totally. I make fun of my job (and office) a lot. I don't even care about the idiom "Don't bite the hand the feeds you" because have you seen the hand? I did my job and more and then the hand feeds me so little (and with rotten food!) so the hell with it. I'm biting. Beside, this job kills me too. I won't be surprised if I develop some kind of heart problems for holding in so many ill-thoughts while being in the office.
4. You're angry all the time --> So much. I'm even angry right now, because tomorrow is Monday and I have to go back there again for the umpteenth time (Here's an idea. Let's skip office tomorrow!)
5. One of you cheats --> Um, yeah. I cheat. I usually brought laptop to my office because I rather working on my personal stuff (and watching kdramas or kvideos) rather than working.
6. There is selfishness within your marriage --> Yes! This job wants me to do a lot of things but never gives me what I want in return. I just need recognition! A sense of self achievement! Self-development! Alas, we know it's not going to give me anything. Blargh.
7. One or both of you always needs to be right --> Yes. There is no way for me to negotiate my needs in front of my job's demand because everything has already set in stone. Nothing is changing and even if there's a change in the horizon, I doubt that it's a change I want/need. I've worked here for 5 years, I've seen almost everything and I think, hoping for a change is a lost cause.
8. It's not in the kiss anymore --> Again, gross. I'm not kissing anyone there! (Although, there are some people I would like to kiss there *wink wink* What? I'm just a human)
But again if we're being metaphorical and use the word 'kiss' as a way to describe being passionate about the job or whatever it is that we're doing in life, then the answer would be yes. I am clearly no longer passionate about the things I do. Look, I can be good in whatever I do and there are times when I think that I can possibly love this job. But then everytime I dare to hope, reality shoves me back to the ground so hard until I see no point of getting up.
9. The conversations are over --> Yes. I've been emotionally disconnected with my job, that there is nothing can keep me happy there anymore. I've been so lonely there and it's been very hard for me to hang on. I might not look like it, but believe me when I say, the problem is bigger than you ever thought.
10. There is too little or too much money --> Definitely too little. Haha. And there are complications regarding this money that I rather not dwell too much into.
But if marriage means being in a long term/lifetime committed relationship with something (not someone), I'm clearly married...
... with my stupid job - a permanent/lifetime job that is the dream job of most Indonesians that I know. What they don't know is how bad is this job for someone's mental health (well, someone like me. Because some people are doing just fine in my office) and how much I'd wished that I could turn back time to five years ago when I first got this job offer and said: "I ain't workin there! Nuh-uh. No way in hell." This job (marriage. I'm going to use this term from here on, just for fun. What? Calling myself married while being obviously single is definitely fun. Don't contradict me. This is my blog. And now I'm just rambling) is clearly THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I've ever made in my life and I still bear the ugly consequences (Until when, I don't know. Here's hoping not for much longer. I can't keep living and hating myself, can I?)
Anyway, I found this little article on Huffington Post about 10 signs of being in a bad marriage that should end in a divorce. So then I think: why not use the article to cross-check whether I should get a divorce or not (I should. But I'm still doing the cross-checking thing. Again, for fun!)
So the signs are:
1. Sex is consistently boring and mechanical --> God, no. I do not have sex with anyone in my office (Or anyone at all. Haha. It's kinda sad, actually). That's just gross. Shoot me in the head if I ever do that (On a second thought...
... no second thought. Shoot me)
But if you're talking about sex as a metaphorical way of getting any satisfaction out of the marriage, clearly the answer is yes. Everything is so boring and mechanical at the office that I get no satisfaction whatsoever. Here's a funny fact. Every time I step inside the office, I feel like my world is darkened (I'm not even kidding. It's like suddenly, somebody dims all the light in the universe) but then, by the time I step outside in the afternoon, everything starts to get clearer and I feel alive again. Is that a telling sign or what?
2. There are many problems and only a few solutions --> Yes. I've been dealing with so many problems but seemingly unable to find a satisfying solution. I can't just pinpoint one single problems that I have in the office but the hardest problem for me probably the fact that this job does not make me a better individual and help me reach any accomplishment. Instead, it makes me become someone that I hate SO MUCH and you know, loathing yourself is difficult. How do you solve that?
3. Character assassination happens in your marriage --> Oh, God. Totally. I make fun of my job (and office) a lot. I don't even care about the idiom "Don't bite the hand the feeds you" because have you seen the hand? I did my job and more and then the hand feeds me so little (and with rotten food!) so the hell with it. I'm biting. Beside, this job kills me too. I won't be surprised if I develop some kind of heart problems for holding in so many ill-thoughts while being in the office.
4. You're angry all the time --> So much. I'm even angry right now, because tomorrow is Monday and I have to go back there again for the umpteenth time (Here's an idea. Let's skip office tomorrow!)
5. One of you cheats --> Um, yeah. I cheat. I usually brought laptop to my office because I rather working on my personal stuff (and watching kdramas or kvideos) rather than working.
6. There is selfishness within your marriage --> Yes! This job wants me to do a lot of things but never gives me what I want in return. I just need recognition! A sense of self achievement! Self-development! Alas, we know it's not going to give me anything. Blargh.
7. One or both of you always needs to be right --> Yes. There is no way for me to negotiate my needs in front of my job's demand because everything has already set in stone. Nothing is changing and even if there's a change in the horizon, I doubt that it's a change I want/need. I've worked here for 5 years, I've seen almost everything and I think, hoping for a change is a lost cause.
8. It's not in the kiss anymore --> Again, gross. I'm not kissing anyone there! (Although, there are some people I would like to kiss there *wink wink* What? I'm just a human)
But again if we're being metaphorical and use the word 'kiss' as a way to describe being passionate about the job or whatever it is that we're doing in life, then the answer would be yes. I am clearly no longer passionate about the things I do. Look, I can be good in whatever I do and there are times when I think that I can possibly love this job. But then everytime I dare to hope, reality shoves me back to the ground so hard until I see no point of getting up.
9. The conversations are over --> Yes. I've been emotionally disconnected with my job, that there is nothing can keep me happy there anymore. I've been so lonely there and it's been very hard for me to hang on. I might not look like it, but believe me when I say, the problem is bigger than you ever thought.
10. There is too little or too much money --> Definitely too little. Haha. And there are complications regarding this money that I rather not dwell too much into.
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| (Check out the funny card here) |
So, basically I said yes to all the signs which means...
... I should divorce my job!
That much, I know. The question is when. Like anyone who is trapped in a bad marriage, making a decision to step out of it is a hard thing to do.I'm being realistic here. I still need the money, no matter how little it is. And call me wishy-washy, but deciding to divorce can be really scary. The fear of uncertain future is one of the biggest obstacle I have right now so I kinda need to convince myself that I will do just fine even after the divorce.
I will be just fine.
... I should divorce my job!
That much, I know. The question is when. Like anyone who is trapped in a bad marriage, making a decision to step out of it is a hard thing to do.I'm being realistic here. I still need the money, no matter how little it is. And call me wishy-washy, but deciding to divorce can be really scary. The fear of uncertain future is one of the biggest obstacle I have right now so I kinda need to convince myself that I will do just fine even after the divorce.
I will be just fine.
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| (I need hugs once in a while - picture taken from here) |
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