The Annoying Introvert: The One Who Won't Stop Talking Once They Think They're Okay (And The One Who Stops Talking The Very Next Minutes)

So my last blog post kinda spurs some interesting reaction from people around me, which kinda encourages me to write another blog post which revolves around introversion and panic/anxiety attack. Yay! (See? Once I talk, there's no stopping me from talking. Haha)

There are some misconceptions about introversion and panic/anxiety attack which I noticed from those reactions and I kinda feel the need to address those. Some of those misconceptions are:

1. A friend: "I think I'm an introvert too. Lately, I don't like being around the crowd and I'm not as cheerful as those extroverts anyway."

Okay. Hold your horses.

(Source: Yarr.me)


 

There are two misconceptions here. First of all, introverts are not some miserable, emoting people that you imagine can be found in the corner of the room scribbling in the wall talking to ourselves while looking like a soulless ghost. Oh God no. As an introvert, I love to laugh as much as the next people do. I love making jokes, I love laughing together with my friends, I love laughing AT people (Oh yeah) and I can be really, really cheerful to the point when people will raise their brows and ask: "Are you on drugs?" In general, I see myself as a funny person. 

Here's something that people might find interesting: studies have shown that most comedians are introverts (including the late Robin Williams, the staple of my childhood) - which makes sense because one of the most defining qualities of an introvert is actually someone that is insightful, sensitive and absorbent of their environment. Those qualities are very helpful for a comedian (or any creative personality) to excel at their jobs.

Another misperception that I need to adress is that introverts are not an anti-social loner. As an introvert, I have nothing against being in the crowd. In contrary, I love being in the thick of any crowd...

... as long as I am sitting on the sideline so I can watch everything, preferably while nibbling something. Haha. Before learning more about introversion, I always wonder why is it that my most favorite thing to do in the world is actually just taking a long walk or sitting around somewhere while doing nothing, just watching people passing me by. I find this activity so amusing and strangely relaxing that I can do it for HOURS (many of my friends might have heard me saying this once or twice before: "Gue suka banget bengong. Kemana-mana pasti cari tempat duduk buat bengong doank. Nggak tahu kenapa"). But being alone like this does not necessarily mean I hate the crowd or hate the actual, face-to-face interactions with other people. Since socialization can be really tiring, I just have to be careful on choosing which interaction worth spending time to. That's precisely why I can be seen being quiet or silent, especially with strangers or large crowd, because... I kinda like to observe everything first before participating in anything (because let me let you in on a secret: PEOPLE ARE INTERESTING). And I kinda like to listen to the sound of people talking without actually involved in the conversation. And I prefer talking with my own choice of method (mostly written) So yeah. Once again, just because I'm an introvert, it does not mean I hate being with people. 

PEOPLE ARE FUN! (...to eavesdrop to. Haha. Source: Yarr.me)

But that's also the sad thing about introversion. Most people don't really understand and misinterpret an introvert's inclination of being silent or quiet. I don't know how many times people told me this: "Kagum gue ama lo Dith. Kemana-mana sendiri. Kalau gue sih nggak berani. Takut keliatan kayak anak ilang" (which is kinda a back-handed way of saying that I look like a pitiful lost kid who has no friends) or "Ngomong donk Dith. Jangan diam aja. Jangan cuma dengerin aja" (most people who told me this are the kind of people who keeps yapping without actually giving me a chance to share stories. Which always makes me wonder, DO YOU EVEN WANT TO KNOW?) or "Lo tu dingin ya Dith. Gimana mau membangun hubungan apa pun kalau lo gak mau membuka diri?" (Wow. Thanks for telling me I'm gonna die alone) or "Lo tu cuma males doank. Kenapa sih lo ga mau usaha merubah diri lo?" (I don't even want to comment on this. Hurtful beyond words)    

*sigh*

All those little comments about my introversion are probably the main source of my anxiety towards social situation. Those comments build an overwhelming pressure for me to be more extroverted - to talk more, to open up more, to interact more - while my introverted nature does not really allow me to do so. Those comments, more often than not, sound to me like people telling me that I'm not normal. That I'm not healthy. That I'm not desirable. That I don't fit. Hence, the anxiety. 

So just to clarify: My aversion towards social situation does not come from the fact that I'm an introvert, but from the overwhelming pressure to be the opposite of my nature.

2. A friend: "I think I'm an introvert, but I also love showing off. Weird, isn't it?" 

Oh yeah. Me too. That's why I write (some would even refer this weird combination as "creative personality")        

That's also one misconception that I often find about introversion. Just because I rarely talk does not mean I am not opinionated or that I don't like showing off. In contrary, my inner world is so full of thoughts that needs to be regularly expressed using various channels which, in part, explains my habit of writing about anything (A funny side note about me as an introvert: during any discussion, I rarely talk or participate. But I write. A lot. So if anyone bothers to rummaging through my notebooks/phone/notes/random paper that I have on my hands, they will always find my opinion about the discussion topic written there in a great length - despite being silent the whole time)

ME. SILENTLY JUDGING YOU. ALWAYS (Source: comicfangurltumblr)

3. A friend: "When I sat for the first time in my French class the other day, I feel like my hand is sweating before talking. Does it mean I'm having a panic attack? A mini-one?" 

No. 

It's called being nervous. And it happens to everyone. 

Let me describe, as literal as possible, on how does it feel like having a panic/anxiety attack. 

This event took place almost a year ago, when I had an out-of-town business trip for a week. At day one, I had to meet with a group of professionals that I haven't met before all by myself to do something that I wasn't really familiar with. The pressure of doing well and not making any mistake was getting a little bit too much for me that, even when I was sitting in a very large room, I felt like the space around me shrank and shrank and shrank to the point that I felt like being trapped in a very small invisible coffin with literally no air. I was sweating all over (I was in an air-conditioned room) and had trouble breathing (which, ironically, was something kinda familiar to me because I had asthma when I was a kid). My heart was beating so fast that I could felt it slammed my chest hard. I was worried that somebody would notice me, that I started to get antsy and teary and looked away from everybody in the room. I did not want to talk to anyone or being talked to. I did not even want people to see me. I felt like I couldn't breathe if I stayed in the room so I ran out to get fresh air but just seeing people outside the room (people who did not have anything to do with my work) made me anxious so I decided to ran straight to the bathroom, locked myself up and finally threw up while crying like I had some kind of severe stomach flu. And it was an ugly sight to remember. After throwing up, I still spent like fifteen minutes in the bathroom, sitting there in the dark while opening up the water faucet and called my sister to talk and calm myself. Afterwards, I returned to the meeting room, still feeling pretty much sick (feverish, sweating, nausea-riddled - something similar to what Indonesian called 'masuk angin') but was able enough to finish the first part of my work with limited interaction to people around me without having another break-down. 

And then, five minutes after leaving the building and going back to the hotel, I went back to being okay. It felt like someone just turned the light on and opened up the coffin that had captured me. Everything went to normal so quick I felt like laughing. 

FREEDOOOMMMMMMMM (Source: wheninaucklandtumblr)
FYI I did not have any more attack for the rest of the trip because I had a company that I was familiar with and I just got accustomed with the tasks so the pressure was elevated a bit.

So yeah. It's not a fond memory. 

It was so bad I wish I would never ever had one of those again.

That's all for now. 

Cheers!

Si Mbak.